Socially Awkward/Possibly Deep Computer Geek (Cyberdorkus perpetuum)
Family: Gainfully Employed
Plumage: Most Cyberdorki are recognizable by their too-short pants, thick glasses and fine dusting of dandruff. However, there are two lesser-known subspecies: Cyberdorkus techno enjoys cute hats, oversized clothing and computer-manufactured music (put a speaker in your window and blast Orbital or Freaky Chakra and he will fly to your sill). Cyberdorkus mogul is a nattily dressed, parasitic creature increasingly colonizing the nesting grounds, determined to create mass-market entertainment product in areas where the nerds once roamed free.
Habitat: Desk (der). William Gibson readings. Star Trek conventions. Hacker meetings. Raves (Cyberdorkus techno). Panels on "Making Your First Million on the Infobahn" (Cyberdorkus mogul). Electronic bulletin boards. PC Expo.
Feeding Habits: Cyberdorkus perpetuum et techno: Lucky Charms, Fruity Pebbles, Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch, Count Chocula (bemoans death of Quisp). Techno subset: Twizzlers, SweeTarts, Pixie Stix. Cyberdorkus mogul: Whatever the trendy cuisine of the moment happens to be. Mongolian barbeque? Fugu fish? Boar pasta with white truffle shavings? He's there.
Sexual Display: Cyberdorkus perpetuum: Bathes. Cyberdorkus techno: Purchases brand new silver Doc Martens and "Aliens Have Landed" t-shirt. Cyberdorkus mogul: Brandishes invite to opening of new Hard Rock Cafe-like cyber theme restaurant or Microsoft trade show party.
Agonistic Display: Hacks enemy's credit rating. Taps into enemy's telephone system and sells his calling card number to expatriate Bangladeshis and devotees of the 1-900-PEEE phone-sex line.
Courtship Behavior: Allots you your own Eudora mailbox. Offers you space on his server. Gives you the number to his alpha-numeric pager so you can send him instant email love letters. Uploads naked pictures of you to the Web. Updates them regularly. You have dated for three months before you've even seen him in person.
Mating Ritual: Takes off the Spock ears. Nuzzles your neck. Tells you you look like Agent Scully. Leads you to his bed, covered with Underdog sheets.
Mating Call: (typed on an AOL screen:) Are you a girl? Wanna go to a private chat room?
Field Notes: The evolutionarily savvy female should consider the advantage of dating a male with very rudimentary social skills. The Cyberdorkus perpetuum is eager to please and easy to train. Anecdotal experience indicates that he is more willing to perform oral sex than other males---his childhood fascination with bivalves means he is unintimidated by the female anatomy, and he is not thrown off by unfamiliar scents and tastes (remember, he seldom showers and eats his own snot). Keep a rolled-up newspaper by the bed to train the Cyberdorkus in your likes and dislikes.