Pathological Don Juan (Sluttus virum)
Plumage: Silk suit, or perfectly preserved '40s suit worn with a lavender shirt. Clean shaven and smelling faintly of cologne, or covered with an expert sullen stubble. Beautiful hands. Exotic foreign cigarettes. Antique silver lighter. Speaks in a not-quite-identifiable foreign accent like Kathleen Turner. Beautifully cultured, soft, slightly husky voice.
Habitat: Swanky bars with dim lighting where everyone drinks martinis and cosmopolitans. Supper clubs, swagged in red velvet, with comfortable banquettes or booths in shadowy corners, perfect for assignations. Listening to the song stylings of the New Lounge acts like Combustible Edison, snapping his fingers with a thin edge of irony, but not much.
Feeding Habits: Sensuous foods. Artichokes with butter, oysters, plump strawberries. Never rushes dinner. Pings china and glass with fingernail to see how fine it is. Will not drink out of a plastic cup.
Sexual Display: Just as pigeons "post," nodding their heads up and down as they walk to improve their depth perception, usually , so too does the Pathological Don Juan bob his head slightly as he scans the room, seeking his prey. When he spots it, he makes potent eye contact. Alternately, he may lean over to light the cigarette of the woman at the next table or barstool. In the most extreme cases, he may do the two-cigarette lighting trick used by Paul Henreid in Now,Voyager.
Agonistic Display: None. Melts away when a rival appears. There are always more women.
Courtship Behavior: Takes you dancing in strangely romantic, musty clubs with elderly people in them. The only man with whom you will ever Tango. Attends revivals of The Thin Man movies. May speak in sibilant Rico Suave accent or snappy hyper-articulated vintage Cary Grant dialect. Do not be alarmed. Favorite song: "Strangers in the Night." You will never see him during the daytime. He may cancel dates at the last minute, or fail to show up. Can answer the phone during sex. When you happen to overhear his telephone conversations, they often contain the phrase, "now is not a good time" and "uh huh. Me too."
Mating Ritual: Prelude to mating is an entire evening of romance. Hours of foreplay. Finger sucking. Gaspingly intense eye contact. Brilliant use of tongue and suction. Completely unselfish. Then he doesn't call (or return messages) for three weeks.
Mating Call: "I'm sorry, was I staring? It's just...this is embarrassing, but your beauty is truly epic. You really look like something out of a painting by Klimt or Modigliani. There's something so sad and serene about your face."