Slacker Boy Toy (Emptyus veeum)
Plumage: May dress like a skater or musician even if he does not know a kick flip from a power chord. Generally spotted in whatever style of garb the Beastie Boys are currently sporting. Often recognized by pointless facial hair (pointy or overlong sideburns, soul patches, goatees, stubble). Note: If boy fancies himself a skater, a writer, or a musician--and indeed, he often is cross-bred with these species--see relevant listings.
Habitat: Like many baby birds, the Emptyus veeum is altricial--that is, born naked, immature, helpless, unable to feed itself. The difference is that while baby birds eventually grow feathers, the Slacker Boy Toy never becomes independent. His only skill is television-watching and the acerbic deconstruction of popular culture. His habitat is the couch at his apartment, dorm, or mother's home. If you date him, his habitat will be the couch in your home.
Feeding Habits: "Ground cleaning" is the avian process of scavenging dead aquatic organisms from shorelines. Its human male equivalent is hanging around until someone feeds it whatever would otherwise be thrown away. That, and ordering in pizza and Chinese while watching Melrose.
Sexual Display: Looks up from television.
Agonistic Display: "Tell me you're being ironic."
Courtship Behavior: Invites female over for television watching, or shows up at her house for same. Laughs at female's jokes. Gets into heated arguments about Schoolhouse Rock, gold filters vs. paper filters, the horror of demographic pigeonholing, Shalom vs. Amber, the marketing of fake fat, Kinko's copy shops: actually the devil? breakfast cereal and E!. Gives her gifts of pop culture detritus that convey affection without serious intent, like Pez dispensers, serial killer trading cards, vintage Brenda Walsh action figures and William Shatner albums.
Mating Ritual: Embarrassment over scrawny body invariably causes a mad dash from fully-clothed to bedspread-covered. Cunnilingus, performed underneath several pounds of Josie and the Pussycats-patterned polyester fabric, can lead to hyperventilation and profuse sweating.
Mating Call: "Wanna come over and watch the Simpsons?"