Spiritual Surfer Dude (Moana loa macadamius nuttum)
Plumage: Rangy but well-muscled. Shaggy, sun-bleached hair in need of hot-oil conditioning treatment. Two sets of plumage: a) Billabong rashguard or wetsuit worn when scoring the epic waves; b) "Longboards Rule" t-shirt (untucked), Black Flys Super Fly silver bug-eye sunglasses, waterproof watch, baggy shorts and reef sandals worn on those few undrenched occasions. Backpack or duffel containing sunscreen, pocket knife, papaya, Sex Wax and/or X Wax (one for waxing board, one for removing wax and tar from board). Carrying both Sex Wax and X Wax indicates an awareness of the dualities of postmodern living.
Habitat: Assaulting the hardcore surf, going off the lip, under the lip, over the lip, carving, floating, doing aerial 360s and power gouges, pulling into long barrels and getting spit cleanly out. On a good day. When the beach is all heinous two-foot blown-out slop, he may be cruising in his pickup (surf rack and mildew-scented towels in the back), dented old VW bug or VW van, pondering. Picking up the necessary provisions at the 7-11. Hanging at a surfer bar. Scoring killer green bud to enhance his spirituality.
Feeding Habits: The species eats to live; it does not live to eat. The healthy surfer feeds upon fresh tropical fruit, yogurt, smoothies, brown rice. His body is his temple. The more impulsive, youthful, reckless surfer eats Devil Dogs and french fries and chews much gum. One day his metabolism will slow down, and he will either a) begin appreciating the aforementioned fresh fruit or b) become a pot-bellied alcoholic ex-surfer.
Sexual Display: Washes off the salt. Wears closed shoes (e.g., Vans) instead of flip-flops.
Agonistic Display: The species is frequently characterized as peaceful, reverent, placid. This is incorrect; the surfer is innately territorial, much as the hummingbird (family: Trochilidae) chases the butterfly away from his patch of nectar-bearing flowers. The Moana loa macadamius nuttum often stakes a claim on a wave and defends it jealously. He may loathe all outsiders to his beach or surfing club; all newcomers to the sport; all swimmers, body surfers and boogie-boarders. When aroused, he may go so far as to aim his board, like a water-borne missile, at them in the water. The oft-heard surfer call, "No Fear," is instructive in this regard.
Courtship Behavior: Early in courtship, the male may put the female in the surf on a longboard (more stable for beginniners) in the hope that she will squeal, thereby arousing him. He is likely to tow the female into a wave, then leave her there.
Mating Ritual: As a precursor to mating, offers profoundly spiritual musings on destiny, the universe, nature. Not very good at listening. The act itself is brief and self-absorbed. The surfer refers to his board both as his "stick" and his "sacred tool." This may indicate delusions of grandeur.
Mating Call: "Dude." (This term is gender-neutral. Surfers, like parrots and gulls, use simple calls to serve many functions.)
Field Notes: Possession of boogie board as well as surfboard indicates flexibility, willingness to intermarry.