Hulking Big-necked Football Stud (Testaverdus slaughter)
Plumage: Enough team logos, names, numerals and slogans adorn his oversized body to fill all the billboards in Lambeau Field. "Tribute" Superbowl Championship ring the size of a golf ball. If his time as a high school nose guard was the highlight of his life, he may also have a high school ring with a huge stone in it that leaves a dent every time he punches the wall in a fury.
Habitat: Beach or park, playing touch football while pretending he's not out for blood. Sports bars. Bars with pool tables. Bars with basketball machines. Bars with foosball tables. Gym. (However, the gym is not an end in and of itself, as it is for the Shifty Steroid-addled Gym Rat [see Casuals section]--it is merely a means to an end; namely increased prowess at FOOTBALL, the sole reason for living.)
Feeding Habits: Susceptibility to advertising guarantees that if he sees Deion Sanders eating at Wendy's, you know where he'll be dining that evening.
The Testaverdus slaughter does not cook.
Sexual Display: Wears gold necklaces, bracelets and Polo Sport in addition to Superbowl ring, in the hopes that the flash of the gold will attract the female.
Agonistic Display: Often insecure about his conversational abilities, the Testaverdus slaughter may imitate the speech, tone and inflections of the person he is with, in a manner reminiscent of the vocal mimicry of the European Starling. But when he is called dumb, he behaves like the Canada Goose, pumping his head up and down, then attacking the subordinate male.
Courtship Behavior: Frequent jaunts to sporting goods stores to buy weights, equipment, or simply to hang out and breathe the testosterone-scented air. Unlike other human males, enjoys shopping. The female can drop him off at a shoe store in the mall, where he will happily ogle whichever sneakers his idol endorses, and return for him several hours later. Playing ball (the female watches). Attending college and pro football games, where he repeats the vocalization, "They're hurtin' for a pass-rush specialist" for the duration.
Mating Ritual: May make a short pass or a long pass, depending on his ability to read the defense and find his receiver. May run and scramble, as he has the ability to elude and break tackles. Still, unlike many males, he is happy to receive a pass and accelerates with ease. Good hands with either soft or hard passes. A good tight end.
Mating Call: "I think we could go all the way."