Common Name Scientific Name
Hulking Big-necked Football Stud Testaverdus slaughter
Gangly Foxy Basketball Player Anfernee backboardus
Stick-Swinging Hockeyguy Vanbiesbrouck lindros
Graceful Tennis Man Overheadus lob
Kamikaze Mountain Biker Banzai muddi
Weekend Suburban Road Biker Daisi daisi
Spiritual Surfer Dude Moana loa macadamius nuttum
Nonverbal Skater Boy Halfpipus dudum

About Athletic Boys:
This family incorporates both "watchers" and "doers." For Athletic males, sports serve as a mechanism for bonding, self-measurement, group identity, and even art (in the way that the graceful flight patterns of certain Canadian geese are art). The aggressive and/or encouraging call-and-response vocalizations human males make when engaged in or watching sports is the human female equivalent of actual conversation.

The Athletic male calls famous players (the alpha males of this family) by their first names, AS IF HE ACTUALLY KNOWS THEM. In addition, he refers to the team, not as "The Forty-Niners" or "The Bruins" but as "we," AS IF HE ACTUALLY PLAYS WITH THEM. He enjoys wearing the jerseys, logos, and accessories of "his" team (conveniently making gift-giving easy for the female). When the team loses, his grief, like that of Gilgamesh, is so profound it is AS IF HE HAS ACTUALLY DIED WITH THEM.

About one-eighth of all bird species are "colonial," which means they hang out in groups. Among humans, Athletic males are the most colonial of families. Just as ducks have communal "loafing areas" where they gather to relax and exchange duck information, human males have "sports bars." In addition to sharing information about food supply sites (where is the burger? where is the beer? where are the babes?), the group gathering serves as a defense against predators. No one will mock the Athletic males' big-necked state or inability to discuss health care reform when there are many of them in one place.

Of course, some species are not pack animals. The surfer, the mountain biker, the triathlete...all may prefer to pursue their sports as soloists. Unfortunately, there is no correlation between solo pursuits and increased communicative ability. These athletes still may have trouble actually conversing with a female.

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